For awhile now I have been going back and forth on this idea of deleting all of my web presence. That meaning any online profiles I may have including facebook and possibly even this blog of mine. Each passing day I feel more and more like there really is no reason to maintain any of them. I can’t seem to draw any kind of attention/attraction to myself. Not that I’m narcissistic and need it to be about me all the time, but when you don’t have any kind of attention at all it gets pretty depressing. From trying to find a date to even trying to simply hang out with friends I tend to get the silent treatment. I ask about getting together sometime and I get no kind of response. Even if there was some kind of conversation going on before hand it all just abruptly stops as soon as I ask that question. With that I have to ask myself… Is there something wrong with me? Am I super ugly that no one wants to even look at me? Is there some kind of rumor or something giving me a bad wrap? What?
I already am dealing with a bit of depression as is. Certain things that have happened or lacking in my life have been catching up with me. Most of the time I can manage to get through the day just fine. But there are times where I hit a breaking point and just end up shutting down for the day. Trying to make changes in my life to try and boost my spirits in order to get over it. But when it seems like I’m lacking in any kind of support from people who I thought were close to me it just tends to make it even worse. When I hang with family things seem to be fine, but it’s not really enough.
So with everything I have that is online it tends to make me feel worse about myself and just makes me feel even lonelier then I already feel. I feel like I’m the exception to people’s “rules” where they say “I’ll respond or talk to anyone, even to be polite to tell them not interested”. Again I get no response. Some people may say that I should just cheer up and smile and whatever. Seriously it’s not that easy. If it was I wouldn’t have days where I shut down completely getting nothing done, but sleeping the whole day. I also wouldn’t feel so outcasted. And it’s not like I’m wanting a whole lot. Just like to be acknowledged and thought of when people think about hanging out with their friends. Just be asked if I want to hang out and do whatever. Even if you assume I have no money or may be busy it would be nice to be asked anyways. Shows me that you at least thought of me. Even if I ask about doing whatever. A simple I can’t or I’m busy is fine. I don’t care if the answer is no just as long as there is an answer.
Honestly it may be best if I delete everything for awhile. Just a couple of months or so. If my friends really want to stay in touch with me then they should have my number. I’ll still have email and LinkedIn. Can’t really get ride of those when I’m trying to find work. Going to probably take the next week to think about everything and make my decision on the 30th.
one of my props I am working on. I told a friend I would post a couple of images of what I was doing for my portfolio… so this is one of the models I’ve working on… still need to finish up a bunch of details and also make 3 other models in various destruction stages.
Sketch side view layout of a city I’m trying to build for my final. Buildings are kind of repetitive but it may work… should come up with other building shapes too along with design my gates for the bridges.
A glimpse of what I am working on. My partner for my class helped with providing some modular pieces and was able to add a bit of extra of my own work and update my level I was working on. This is also kind of the style the game is heading towards.
These are the traps I am working on for my Senior Project… they still need some more love plus Spec Maps… maybe even a slight glow map for the crystals
This is an updated version of the Pick Assets that I am working on for my class project. As fallows…. Green = Health, Blue = Speed, Orange/Yellow = Traps, Red = Ranged, and Purple = Sound/close ranged. Sound used to be yellow but since the traps symbol is coming out more yellow then orange I decided to change the coloring to make it more noticeable.
Lost in Loneliness… had to urge to paint and was going off of how I’ve been feeling. Hoping the Konji is correct for loneliness… and I threw in the middle the word lost done in my alphabet. Wish I had a better camera to take pictures with cause I don’t feel like pictures ever do painting justice… touched it up the best I could in photoshop though.
Haven’t posted up anything on here in a awhile. New school quarter and coming close to midterms already. So much going on this quarter and I don’t feel like I have quit got my footing yet. Trying my best not to fall behind and stay on top of it all. Now would be the worst time every to mess it all up… Should be finished with school in winter 2012, got a group project that I’m working on that I want to help make it succeed, and got my own game I would like to make a reality more than just a brain storm. I have a bad tendency to fall apart at the worst moments, but I try my hardest to collect myself and push forward. Wish I could keep my head clear enough to focus more on my work instead of getting side tracked by this lonely feeling I always get.
I try to not let the empty lonely feeling get to me… but when hanging or even talking to your friends is sparse and sometime none existent it can kind of get to you. Even having trouble finding a simple date in the past couple of years can build up on those feelings too. Feelings for someone you can’t ever have seems to be a great topping to all of that as well. And yes this is all very depressing and all… but just how things seem to be for me at the moment. Seems like a double edge sword… people don’t like to be around a depressing person… yet being left alone just makes that depression worse.
And yes I have high hopes that things will start to change for the better soon. So I try to keep things together… suppress the feelings that try and cripple me from succeeding in my life. But I am the kind of person that needs some affection… more so now then before. I still like to have my personal space and time to myself yeah… but think I’ve had enough space to last me a long while.